A Grown Up Christmas

I tried to have a Christmas season this year. I really did try. I decorated with all things fresh, vintage and furry.

I added a little tiny tree to my front living room, much like the ones found in cool people's houses. I am pretty sure that I played some Christmas music once or twice.

I coordinated my wrapping paper to create the perfect non Christmas color scheme of black, gold and white.

I spent my usual 3 days writing, stuffing and addressing my Christmas letter, and I even went so far as to host a wreath making party. Please pretend that the picture of my lovely guest with the red beret is me. I am not sure what went wrong with my camera, but my picture came out looking like a haggard middle aged woman that clearly was drinking her wine instead of posing with it.

Somehow, everything feels so 'meh'. I find myself asking myself things like, "Tansy, what the hell are you doing?"; "What the hell is anyone doing?"; "Why do we even pretend that the old traditions matter when all people do is fight to have them torn down?", and "Why do I find myself so exhausted by others acting like they are not exhausted?" It is right about this point that I stop and ask one final question as I open a fresh bottle of wine, "Tansy, why are you asking yourself so many questions?"

I believe these questions have a lot to do with my current 'meh' state of being. Unanswered questions annoy me. They show a lack of effort on the questioners part. So, I have pursued several good theories that answer all of my questions. Unfortunately, none of them are the answers I want to hear.

Age and knowledge often are synonymous, but a few manage to keep them separate. I wish I could have been one of the lucky ones that never grew beyond my 20 year old self. I would still be content with bad movies, poorly written books, unflattering fashion, dead holidays that have been stripped of all meaning and pretty much whatever else the universe is providing the living these days.

Basically, I am longing for the return of my naivety. Sadly, this is something that can never be retrieved once it is gone. I must be grateful that I had it one time and that at least it was a gradual loss. But, how do I enjoy the rest of my life without it? I have some age; I have a decent amount of knowledge and on occasion a bit of wisdom. These are all things that I looked forward to having back when I was in my youth. I thought they would come freely with time, wrinkles and gray hair. I did not realize there was an actual cost that once paid was nonrefundable...I guess I was being naive.