An Imperfect Success

I recently threw my husband a birthday party. This is something that I only do every ten years when he hits one of those significant milestones. I love the idea of throwing a party. Or, at least I used to. There once was a time when hostessing an event was second nature to me. With little to no effort, I would open up my home and provide hours of welcoming entertainment. Life has since taken a few twists and turns. I now live in a new normal that I am only beginning to understand.

For this event, I began my party planning much like I always had with an imaginary scene soundlessly playing out in my mind like a silent movie. This time around I saw friends in our backyard over looking the water on a summer evening all standing around laughing simultaneously at some clever remark that someone had just made. The moment froze into a photograph very much like one found in a home magazine where a proud home owner had simultaneously shown off their exorbitant abode and well dressed social circle. I used the frozen image to try and create a theme or idea.  I saw patio lights, glasses of white wine and candles flickering in metal lanterns. In my mind, all of these seemed to be the perfect accessories to a lovely evening. Without hesitation, a date was selected and invitations went out. Then in a moment of clarity, I realized that I no longer had any idea how to have a simple conversation much less host an important life event. Tansy as I once knew here was gone.

For months, I had tried to put on a good show for friends and acquaintances when they were brave enough to come over or meet me for a drink. Some were fooled or kind enough to pretend they hadn't noticed the fear and confusion behind my jokes and smiles. Others, unable to participate in the farce, had taken the opportunity to quietly dismiss themselves from having anymore awkward exchanges. Cancer has a way of doing that. Now, 9 months nearly to the day from my life changing phone call, I found myself throwing a party celebrating my husband's life. I had one motive when I decided to do this and that was to have those we cared about the most over to our home to say thank you for still being in our lives. But, as the planning commenced, I began to feel unsure about what I was doing. I had only just recently started taking my old responsibilities on again. Once boring and thoughtless tasks like going to the grocery store and getting dinner on the table had just become new milestones worthy of celebration. But, as unsure as I was, I knew that I needed to have this party. I needed to show myself that I still had something to give.

I managed to throw the party. It was not effortless or perfect. It fell far short of the imaginary silent film that had played through my mind months before. But, in its messy awkwardness, it was real and authentic much like its hostess. So, for that reason, I chose to consider it one of my greatest successes.